What a New Jersey Debate Taught Me About Leadership

If you’ve never spent time with parks and recreation professionals from New Jersey, let me tell you, they are warm, sharp, deeply committed to their communities, and very, very fun. I was able to experience all of this during a recent trip to the New Jersey Recreation and Parks Association state conference to serve as their keynote speaker.

Also, I think it’s important to note, I met three Dinas, a Lenny, and a Ronnie before lunch… which felt like peak Jersey in the best possible way.

At some point during the Monday night social (do I dare mention pickle-back shots?), someone introduced me to a debate that apparently runs deep across the state:

Pork Roll vs. Taylor Ham.

If you’re not from New Jersey, you might assume these are two different foods. They are not, it’s all in a name.

What fascinated me wasn’t the food, it was the passion. People leaned in. Voices got animated (in a friendly Jersey way). Geography came into play. Stories surfaced. Allegiances were declared.

And yet… it never felt tense. No one was trying to humiliate anyone. No one was offended.

They debated like people who were confident enough to disagree and connected enough to stay in the conversation. 

And that’s when it hit me: This might be the most Jersey leadership lesson I’ve ever learned.

Leadership Reminder #1: People don’t just hold opinions, they hold experiences. 

Whether someone says pork roll or Taylor Ham often depends on where they grew up, what their family called it, and what their local deli sign said for decades.

Their answer isn’t random. It’s rooted in memory and identity.

The same thing happens in organizations.

People defend:

• Long-standing practices

• Department traditions

• Communication styles

• The way we’ve always done it

Not because they’re trying to be difficult, but because those things helped shape their professional world. And when leaders dismiss those attachments, people don’t feel corrected, they feel erased.

Leadership Reminder #2: Two people can experience the same reality and walk away with completely different stories. 

Same sandwich. Different name.

In the workplace this looks like:

• Same meeting. Different interpretation.

• Same policy. Different impact.

• Same decision. Different emotional response.

Assuming there’s only one right perspective is one of the fastest ways to create frustration and mistrust. Curiosity, on the other hand, keeps people engaged.

Leadership Reminder #3: Passion isn’t the problem, disrespect is. 

What also was refreshing to me was how spirited the conversation became without crossing into hostility. People teased each other. They made strong cases. They laughed at themselves.

No one questioned anyone’s competence or character.

Imagine if more workplace disagreements worked this way:

High passion + Low ego threat = Relationships intact.

Strong teams don’t avoid disagreement; they learn how to navigate it without damaging trust.

Leadership Reminder #4: Plans tell you where an organization is going. Conversations tell you who they are.

Strategic plans matter. Goals matter. Direction matters. But if you really want to understand a group, pay attention to what energizes them when no one is presenting slides.

The pork roll vs. Taylor Ham debate wasn’t really about the actual meat/sandwich. It revealed pride, identity, humor, and a shared comfort with spirited discussion, all signals of a community that feels connected enough to disagree out loud.

Formal plans guide movement. Informal moments reveal culture. Great leaders pay attention to both.

Leadership Reminder #5: Not every difference needs to be resolved

Here’s the truth: New Jersey has not collapsed under the weight of this disagreement.

No committee was formed. No statewide standard was issued. No one demanded a single correct answer.

People simply coexist… passionately. Organizations could learn from this. Not every difference is a problem to fix. Some differences are simply part of a diverse, functioning system. Leadership isn’t about making everyone the same. It’s about making sure differences don’t become divisions.

Final Thought

I stayed neutral, for the record. Because when you’re surrounded by three Dinas, a Lenny, and a Ronnie, the safest leadership strategy is curiosity. 😄

But I left with a powerful reminder: People don’t just want to be heard. They want to feel that their experiences are respected, even when others see things differently.

Sometimes the strongest teams aren’t the ones who agree on everything. They’re the ones who know how to disagree without disconnecting.

Thank you New Jersey for sharing your great debate – and leadership reminder – with me.